Love, Life, and Logic

I’ve been failing miserably in my early relationships because I had insufficient or little self love. I have found that self-esteem and self-love are issues that are often related together. If you suffer from low self esteem, it is possible that the main cause is the lack of self-love. It makes is that much difficult to find that little bit of love for yourself. Loving yourself feels so unnatural, for a start because your mind has been ingrained with self sabotaging thoughts for the longest time.

I don’t consider myself a scorned woman…Im not bitter nor am I angry. I just refuse to accept any mans crap. I’m no longer a sucker for anyone’s acceptance. I am very capable of still loving an individual, however, the right one. I’m over the charming and showering me with things…that’s why they are just things just a possession. I truly feel that no one has me or my heart in their best interest, not like God does. Some men take me for a temporary void to fill in their lives. Well guess what the tables have turned and the chairs have been repositioned.

Do you think getting through the worst in a relationship can lead to a better relationship in the future? I’ve been through so much crap in my past relationship... days and nights filled with tears, anger, fights and meltdowns...jealousy, insecurities and pure frustration. I feel that me allowing our friendship to transition into a relationship, and living with a man, resulted in me putting everything I had in me into a relationship that only ended up killing our friendship. It’s really opened my eyes and I’m learning to be me again.

You are my only source of Hope...so I will continue to pray too You..

Do you ever find yourself so tired and worn down that all you want to do is put your face in your hands and cry? I do. A lot, sometimes I just wish I could disappear, run away from the past. However the past is the past, when you meet someone new your past shouldn’t matter, with them it’s the future that counts. Dwelling on my failures will get me nowhere; I had plenty of room to make all the mistakes in the world. I promise myself I won’t make them again. You only have one life, and I’m going to live it. By making mistakes you learn and grow.

The beginning of January is absolutely the worst. I do not enjoy packing up my Christmas decorations. It saddens me, as if I am saying goodbye to a dear friend. I feel as if a light inside of me fades. I do of course enjoy the exhilaration of a new year! All the possibilities, and the chance to start over. And yet it is never nearly as magical as the Christmas spirit.

not sure where im at lately, always spacing off constant headaches and cramps..by the time im home i just want to cuddle and watch a mindless relaxing show or movie or anything. It never happens though I feel ignored, neglected, used not a good feeling. I just have so much on my mind so many things trapped in there upstairs.

I have my good days where I feel on top of the world, not often as I would like but they do occur. Despite my struggles from my health, work, relationships,school, bills and adulthood to what ever else that may arise. Every day I am moving forward :)

The last few days have been hard ones for me. I have let my emotions overcome my well being and have allowed myself to crawl into my dark place. I told myself this year it would be different, but it seems it is stronger than I am. I try and try to put on a happy face and give thanks for all the wonderful things I have in my life. But yet something keeps pulling me down. Insecurities start flowing, along with the tears for no apparent reason.

My reality is my own private hell, wanting what I can not have. Misery throughout my day,lonliness throughout my nights. What happened? I dont know,
but every tear across my cheek, burns. I know this pain, it's not my friend,
but it will stay my constant companion. The constant pain of what I miss and have been denied.